Special Exhibit: FNN Talking Heads

Posted on August 15, 2009. Filed under: Media, Politics | Tags: , , , , , |

I can’t believe that Fox News Network actually has the balls to call itself “Fair and Balanced.”  If you watch it for even an hour, you might actually be able to feel your brains melting and dribbling out your ears.

Just look at the douchebaggery that’s committed DAILY by the talking heads highlighted on the network.  We’ve got the big four: Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter.  They’re all insane, they’re all assholes, and they’re all out to brainwash America into happy little republicans, something akin to the students from The Wall.

All we’re missing is the meat grinder to throw their asses in.

Bill O’Reilly used to be my personal antichrist.  He’s a boorish, obnoxious, self-absorbed, and condescending prick.  He regularly tells people that disagree with him on his show to shut up, and calls people who speak out against the republican party “unamerican.”  Although he is a douche, the other three definitely top him.  He’s petered out in evil in my own perspective, and now makes me think of that slightly off-putting, aging uncle, that you sit quietly near until he talks himself out, holding his glass of milk and sleep aids at the ready.

Sean Hannity, on the other hand is a complete nazi bigot who, if he can ever get his dick out of the republican elephant’s ass and learn to rub one out himself, will still undoubtedly be a complete prick with only vitriol to spew out at the rest of the world.  This is the same guy that told democrats to stay home on voting day, because their vote shouldn’t count anyway.  The same guy that cuts and pastes however the hell he wants so that anyone he doesn’t like can end up looking like the satanic love child of Bin Laden and a goat.  The same guy who has an “all american panel,” where different voices can be heard, and lines it up with himself, Ann Coulter, and a couple of the most conservative, hypocritical democrats who could possibly find.  He’s a twit, he’s a jackoff, and he’s a joke.

On a related note, did anyone else notice Hannity’s “Colmesectomy”?  It’s hardly surprising.  But let’s examine Hannity and Colmes as a duo for a second shall we?  On the one hand, we have Sean Hannity—and admittedly doublespeaking, myopic imbecile, but one that has some charm, in that “evil always comes in pretty packages” sense, and isn’t absolutely unbearable to look at, as long as you know nothing about him.  In the red corner, ladies and gentlemen, we have the most incurably co-dependent, doormat of a democrat.  Alan Colmes has no personality to speak of, utterly lacks conviction of any kind,  and kinda looks like a ferret.  This is how they assume to create a fair and balanced debate show?  I DON’T think so.

Also, speaking of the “All American Panel,” let’s discuss for a moment Ann Coulter, hereafter known as Frigid Nazi Cow (or FNC).  FNC does lots for Sean Hannity.  She’s on his show in a bunch of different ways, as a commenter, a panelist, who knows, she might even have developed a taste for elephant dung after the many blowjobs backstage.  She’s a blonde bombshell, if horses could be spoken of in such a manor.  I guess if you’re pretty enough, you might be forgiven for being a complete idiot.  She writes, too.  My favorite is “If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans.”  Really, Ann?  So, it takes brains to mindlessly follow a party that has, time and again, actively destroyed our country and others in the campaign for democracy and “The American Dream” does it?  Boy, I really have been barking up the wrong tree with my individual thoughts and ideologies.  You certainly set me straight.

Moving on to the next specimen, we have before us one Glenn Beck.  First of all, just from an aesthetic point of view, his t.v. show makes me want to puke.  It’s so rehearsed, and yet still so poorly executed, it actually causes me physical pain to listen to his faux emotional outbursts.  You could get better acting at third grade play.  In a special needs school.  With low funding.  Besides his lack of Hollywood luster, he’s also just a complete psycho moron.  He speaks fondly of the good old days, before stimulus and bailouts, before health care reform, before Obama.  Did he really forget that the stimulus and bailout started with the LAST president?  You know, the republican?  The psychotic war criminal that not only completely wiped out the biggest surplus in the nation’s history, but spiraled us into TRILLIONS of dollars of debt in EIGHT YEARS?  As for healthcare….are you really going to try to kid us into thinking you’re a regular working stiff that this bill is going to effect IN THE LEAST?  Are you really so malignantly self-serving that you would deny the fact that something is needed for someone OTHER THAN YOU?  Add on the fact that he will tell anyone who listens that Obama is a racist with a deep-seeded hatred for white people and white culture, then go completely against it and say that he’s not actually saying that Obama dislikes white people when something as silly as facts is thrown in his face.  God help him if he can go without contradicting himself for more than a minute and a half.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just the republicans that grate my nerves.  I can’t stand the liberal extremists either.  It’s just that these four are so visible, and are practically begging to be called out.  Leave it to Fox News Network to hand pick the biggest pricks and paint them as the faces of the republican party.

Fair and Balanced my ass.  Someone buy the producers a dictionary.

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